Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
