My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
