sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
