just tell him i said nine months
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
