he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
