you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
