Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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