dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
