Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
