god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
