Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
