All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
