we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
