i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize