My nipple is on Facebook.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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