one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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