Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
