You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
