We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
