happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
