I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
