I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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