I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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