Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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