If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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