You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i was born a porn star she said
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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