Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
birth control should be required to get into college
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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