I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
