the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
