I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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