Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
