I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
