My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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