im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
