felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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