I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
