she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
