Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
