you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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