I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
