were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
