Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
