I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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