I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
