i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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