The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
