Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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