Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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