Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
