she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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