I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
