when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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