Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
