i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
