I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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