We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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