I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
