we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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