There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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